quid prose hoe

i think i have a lot of thoughts. it's very overwhelming. instead of being so congested i thought musing over what i really think about, as ms. nice, would be a welcome change. if you happen upon this that's on you.

lately i've barely felt like doing something like this. but honestly i don't foresee myself really having the energy to go after something creative i might normally be inclined to do. different times different circumstances different outlet i suppose. my biggest challenge will most likely be trying not to care how i am coming across. the biggest freedom is that, virtually, i am nothing. no face no name no established personality no reality. just words in the wind. i think allowing myself the freedom to be anything could help me adjust to expressing who i actually am. because there's no part of me that allows myself to ever really be that.

it's exhausting. not to mention the fatigue that comes with living in my chronically ill body. probably just another one of those bloggers in pain who doesn't feel like doing much else. my life has dramatically changed in the last 6 months. i'm a relatively young person who now uses a rolling walker and a wheelchair. it is what it is. the dramatic changes in my baseline condition have led to a chronic pain condition that i might have forever. more drugs more unknown. i'm so lucky to have my partner but i'm burdened by the guilt of having burdened them. i have hope of things being more manageable than this but of course i'm also riddled with depression and a new heightened level of anxiety. it's a few days a month the stars align that i feel well enough mentally and physically to leave the house or be social in some small way.

it's everything i can do to just...not rail myself with my own part in this downward spiral.

i can't seem to find the space for myself to be chronically ill in a multitude of ways AND the space to feel like i deserve to live my life. the self-hatred is consuming. there's a salty hors d'oeuvre for ya.

meat pies,

ponderezza